PureNoumena (purenoumena) wrote in exanon,
PureNoumena
purenoumena
exanon

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advice?

Okay... so... though I felt as though the relationship was getting worse and not better, for others the breakup came as somewhat of a shock. One of the "others" was my ex boyfriend who, increasingly depressed and distant, thought the relationship wasn't a problem and was ignoring a lot of my cries for the last two years of the relationship.

Here's my problem: I was pretty starved for intimacy, and I began becoming interested in other people towards the end of the relationship. (something that was a bit of a confusing and blind sighting process, but as soon as I realized it happening, I broke things off) Anyway - the point being... though I had thoughts towards seeing other boys/girls - I never cheated on my ex.

He, however, told many people that I did. Even though I've since talked with him about this... and told him it was important to me that he knew I never cheated on him. He was still upset of course (because break-ups really aren't just about cheating... and the act of cheating isn't really just only about cheating, but everything that leads up to it...) He apologized to me, but never recanted what he told to other people. So now, there is a group of who I unfortunately still feel very dearly about that have totally ostracized me - and continued along the rumour that I'm a cheating, conniving bitch. Along with the cheating, he also told other people that I screwed him over financially (not in so many words, but to a certain extent.) This couldn't be further from the truth... when we first met, he had just lost his bank account... I was doing most of the bills for years... even gave him a credit card to use off of my account... a card that, in fact, he was still using for automatic billing until 7 months after the break-up. I never asked him for a penny of the several thousand dollars he put on the card - nor did I ask him for 1/2 of the money used to pay for the car he's still driving - even now that my car is barely drivable. He helped me with some construction on my house... though the "monetary" value of such things wasn't exactly equally (especially considering a good portion of the "work" done wasn't done to code and had to be torn out/fixed properly) but I wanted to make as clean a break as possible, so I let it go.
Some things are hearsay and conjecture, some things are fact. Fact: breakups suck... Fact: I never cheated on my boyfriend... Fact: I did not screw him over financially... If anybody was left clinging for life monetarily after the fact, it was me. He got out debt free - and even sold some of the things still left unpaid for on my card...

what to do about "the others?" Advice given to me includes "If they think such things about you without so much as asking you, they were never your real friends to begin with." and - saying that may be well and good... but - the problem is, even though they didn't consider me a "real friend," I considered that of them.

The ex and I are just about on speaking terms now... do I step over the line and ask him to retract the defamation? I worry equally about my name as I do about the artistic integrity of the gallery I'm starting... I really do not need unnecessary defamation flounced about Southern California or the off chance any potential artist might hear. Do I write them a letter myself? "dear so and so. it concerns me that you are acting like a jerk without so much as even talking to me to hear my side of things first." or "dear so and so... you obviously hate me, but unfortunately I still care very much about you." I am trying to fill my time with positives lately... I'm just wondering - if this continues to be an area that has cause for aching... is it worth my time to try to climb uphill and resolve it? for them? for me?
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