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Sunday, April 27th, 2008
4:59 am - im new

Is it weird i keep a box of everything we ever did together? When i say everything i mean everylittle thing. If there was a gum wrapper that had some little signifigant meaning its in there. Every movie we went to. Your old lighter, mini golfing talley cards...i loved you and i wanted to remember everything about you. I made you that book with all the pictures of us. The two and a half years of us all in one huge album, i wonder if you still have it. If you even look at it. I was going thru pix in my room today and what do you know some how one pic of you was still out hanging up behind another photo. I could have layed down and died. Thats how much i love you. Yes i still love you, you selfish prick. I think about you all the time. I do, you think about me? Ever??? Do i ever enter you mind? Did i ever mean anything to you? Was i anything to you at all? I cant even let myself like anyone else i cant give a decent guy a chance bc i love you!!! I cant not love you. Ugh you are the most frustrating guy in the world and i hate you. I hate you bc you wont let me love you. Why wont you let me love you? I miss you. I miss you so much i want you to come lay with me and hold me like you used to and just not let go. I want to stay here and love you and let this moment last. Can i have you just for one more day? I wasnt ready. I just want one more day to let go. Its so pathetic I was never the one to beg i was so strong and look what ive become. Im a nobody now. I leaving. Thats the only way i can get out of this slump. I need to leave this town this state this coast. To get you off my mind. You are no good for me. Never were. i just cant go on like this.

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Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
6:39 pm - Step 4.) A moral inventory of ourselves

Steps 1.), 2.), 3.), are in the post below...

inventory...that makes it all about me, my years in AA confuse me on this point because i'm not supposed to think about myself....

did i interfere with Samuel's recovery by dating him while he was still too new??!! He had a year and a half in our program, after a year off the wagon after ten years clean and sober. Shoot! then my committee says, that that makes me too big and powerful...you can't get someone drunk or sober....but my heart says you "can" pour someone a drink....

mental not to self..."do not date AA members, regardless of sobriety length, nor alcoholics"

God knows my character defects are many, I'm just better able to LABEL them, and well, notice when they are causing me pain faster....and not suffer from them as long as i used to....so,...possibly...

rushing into a relationship too fast....lust...loneliness...desire for intimacy/proctreative instinct...all funneling into fear of being alone...and finally just... fear...God grant me the wisdom to be more discerning about whether the enormity of a relationship may interfere with either of our spiritual growth....

Step 5.) see above....

listening for feedback before asking God to remove these instincts gone awry....

current mood: okay

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Sunday, September 10th, 2006
6:56 pm - heya

this really sucks right now, i feel like I have to join and unjoin, so my ex can't find my posts...guess that was a good enough reason to move on. anyway, if this causes a problem for you all, let me know and i won't join and rejoin, or work the steps here. ;D thanks tho

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Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
10:02 am - I forget sometimes how beautiful some songs are.

Fool of Me by Me'shell Ndegocello.

Absolutely one of the best songs ever about how empty a heart can feel when someone no longer loves you. 

Today was once an important anniversary for me. Amazing how a random IPOD pic can bring you back in time, zap.

Music. Scent. A new kiss reminding you of one that was once precious.

My mom was jilted, the day before she was due to get married. The best man came to her and said her fiance had gotten someone else pregnant and that he would not show up at the wedding. 

He then proceeded to propose to my mom because he was in love with her. To this day, over 40 years later, she cannot hear Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman without thinking about him. 

I think it is one of our best and worst things as humans that these long ago things still haunt us.

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1:30 am - advice?

Okay... so... though I felt as though the relationship was getting worse and not better, for others the breakup came as somewhat of a shock. One of the "others" was my ex boyfriend who, increasingly depressed and distant, thought the relationship wasn't a problem and was ignoring a lot of my cries for the last two years of the relationship.

Here's my problem: I was pretty starved for intimacy, and I began becoming interested in other people towards the end of the relationship. (something that was a bit of a confusing and blind sighting process, but as soon as I realized it happening, I broke things off) Anyway - the point being... though I had thoughts towards seeing other boys/girls - I never cheated on my ex.

He, however, told many people that I did. Even though I've since talked with him about this... and told him it was important to me that he knew I never cheated on him. He was still upset of course (because break-ups really aren't just about cheating... and the act of cheating isn't really just only about cheating, but everything that leads up to it...) He apologized to me, but never recanted what he told to other people. So now, there is a group of who I unfortunately still feel very dearly about that have totally ostracized me - and continued along the rumour that I'm a cheating, conniving bitch. Along with the cheating, he also told other people that I screwed him over financially (not in so many words, but to a certain extent.) This couldn't be further from the truth... when we first met, he had just lost his bank account... I was doing most of the bills for years... even gave him a credit card to use off of my account... a card that, in fact, he was still using for automatic billing until 7 months after the break-up. I never asked him for a penny of the several thousand dollars he put on the card - nor did I ask him for 1/2 of the money used to pay for the car he's still driving - even now that my car is barely drivable. He helped me with some construction on my house... though the "monetary" value of such things wasn't exactly equally (especially considering a good portion of the "work" done wasn't done to code and had to be torn out/fixed properly) but I wanted to make as clean a break as possible, so I let it go.
Some things are hearsay and conjecture, some things are fact. Fact: breakups suck... Fact: I never cheated on my boyfriend... Fact: I did not screw him over financially... If anybody was left clinging for life monetarily after the fact, it was me. He got out debt free - and even sold some of the things still left unpaid for on my card...

what to do about "the others?" Advice given to me includes "If they think such things about you without so much as asking you, they were never your real friends to begin with." and - saying that may be well and good... but - the problem is, even though they didn't consider me a "real friend," I considered that of them.

The ex and I are just about on speaking terms now... do I step over the line and ask him to retract the defamation? I worry equally about my name as I do about the artistic integrity of the gallery I'm starting... I really do not need unnecessary defamation flounced about Southern California or the off chance any potential artist might hear. Do I write them a letter myself? "dear so and so. it concerns me that you are acting like a jerk without so much as even talking to me to hear my side of things first." or "dear so and so... you obviously hate me, but unfortunately I still care very much about you." I am trying to fill my time with positives lately... I'm just wondering - if this continues to be an area that has cause for aching... is it worth my time to try to climb uphill and resolve it? for them? for me?

current mood: contemplative

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Friday, August 11th, 2006
2:15 pm - baby steps.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We call this return to sanity Break-up.

I lay down in bed and closed my eyes. I had been trying for so many years. I had been fighting for so many years. I had been crying for so many years. I had been hoping for so many years. There were good points and bad points... but this wasn't the relationship I wanted; though I was so very much in love, and so very badly wanted it to be. There were good weeks at the beginning... and I trudged along with a hope... and I told myself... as long as I was still in love, I would wait, and hope. Then I closed my eyes again, and decided that the fate of this relationship was not up to me. I had done every thing I could. I had moved time and time again, swallowed bill after bill and rejection after rejection. The last thing left for the relationship to consume was me, myself. More than a compromise, this was something I couldn't swallow. I realized that the direction of this path was not of my decision, and decided to stop forcing things that could not be forced. You cannot make anybody love you, much less - you cannot make anybody love you in the way you want/need to be loved.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Break-up as we understood Break-up. We must tenderly nuture and explore Break-up in all of its intricacies until it bores even us.

how did I let this go on for so long? was I so blind to the reality? Others saw this coming before I ever did.... before he ever did. Am I a coward? Was I simply too hopeful? Should I have ended things before, simply because I was unhappy - even though I was still in love, and still had the hope that things would improve? Was it wrong to end things when the hope had dissipated, when I saw that there was no more hope, and when I realized that I wanted (and deserved) happiness?

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

During a majority of the relationship, there was The One and Only. Towards the end... rejection after rejection... there appeared the Others. I wanted affection. I wanted attention. I tried everything for the One and Only; patience, lingerie, lots of something, fancy somethings, nothing at all, cleanliness, dirtiness, frustration, anger, tears, tolerance, more patience.... days turned into weeks turned into months, and my kisses were returned with cringes and annoyance... guilt and frustration for both parties. The Others began to appear... "what ifs" and "who ifs..." boys and girls... The Others appeared as Hope dissapeared, and at that time I knew it was over. Everything happened so fast, and things can be so blindsighting. I never cheated on the One and Only... but I did entertain the thought of others... and as soon as those thoughts appeared, I broke it off. Is that wrong? The One and Only told the Audience I cheated on him... though the hurt of the accusation was apologized for via e-mail to me; the claim to the Audience has never been retracted. I'm not the only one taking my own moral inventory... others, despite any potential hypocrisy, have decided to join in the fun. Should I feel bad about what I did? Regardless of right or wrong, I never wanted to hurt another human being, despite any hurt that I endured... so in that respect, I do feel awful... hurting anybody that I love. What is the right point to "break it off?" - the stage when you are in love but things are sour, but you have a hope that they might turn better, or when things are sour, have remained sour, and hope is lost?

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Sunday, May 7th, 2006
4:08 am - baby steps...

1. We admitted we were powerless over our ex - that our shared life had become unmanageable

I tried just about everything I thought I could try. Working my ass off. Not working at all. Being patient. Being whiney. Being fussy. Being apathetic. Being eager. Being positive. Being equally negative for the sake of comradery. Staying put when I wanted to move. Moving when I wanted to stay put. Doing all these things and more because i thought it would help. None of it helped. things were the same, no matter where we lived. No matter where we worked. Sometimes things were better, but the core of the matter never changed.... and... in the end, it would have been changing either of our natures to force those changes to commence. I even tried compromising myself to that point of trying to change my nature, my perspective. When I felt as though I was trying to change my own wants to accommodate in an attempt to foster happiness, I felt weak and vulnerable. When even that didn't work, I felt sad and frustrated... and that was when I realized that no matter what I did... it wasn't within my power. I got tired of crying myself to sleep. I got tired of trying so hard and still failing. I prayed for the first time in years, accepted that I had no control over the situation, and decided that I would not force anything, and would follow the path I was supposed to follow, and pass through open doors, instead of trying futilely to kick open the locked barricades. the beginning was the beginning of the end... but this was the end of the end. and that is when the love fell away.

and now... allowing the room in my life for growth and happiness has indeed allowed space for healing and progression... yet... there is always that guilt that looms... because in all of this, the only thing I ever really wanted, was for BOTH of us to be happy... and though 50% of the combination is better than the previous 0%... I wish the decision wasn't so incredibly painful...

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Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
11:07 pm - The day we hope for is the one we won't remember.

That day when I woke up not thinking of her, fell asleep without seeing her face on the inside of my eyelids, and went all day without even a passing thought of her crossing my conscious mind. I don't know when that marvelous day was, but since then, I could reminisce dispassionately, tolerate all the ribbing about my horrible taste in women since her, and think rationally that we've become completely different people since I knew her.

I hadn't seen her in over a decade. It had been at least a couple years since I last had woken up in a cold sweat knowing she wouldn't ever be part of my life again. And here I was, on the way to my second brunch of the day, calm enough to take a little nap with my crumpled shirt and jacket as a pillow, without a thought for the complete mess I was making of myself. After all, I was totally over her. I had mastered the twelve steps. I could have a polite brunch and continue on to my parents' house for a rousing game of Scrabble. If it was awkward, I had my sister and brother-in-law there to make it a little less so; after all, my bro-in-law hadn't even met her before. Hastily throwing back on my hopelessly creased shirt and blazer, I walked up to her front door without hesitation, and was hopelessly blindsided.

I didn't see her coming. She turned the corner, having come down the side exit to meet me, and my ribcage has felt like the bone equivalent of one of those stupid shrunken hipster sportcoats ever since. Four hours later, waiting for the valet to bring our car back around, my brother-n-law, ever the consummate polite southern gentleman, broke the thoughtful silence. "Yeah, Tim, now I can safely say, you really fucked up."

My name is Tim, and I have loved.

current mood: contemplative

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Monday, May 1st, 2006
1:39 pm - A perfect song for the longing I feel right now.

Artist: Runrig
Song title: This Beautiful Pain

Day was young and desire was
stirred. Summer was all but
gone. Light was fading from the
side of your face. Sinking low
in the corn. All that's constant
and wise I still see in your
eyes it was always this way from
the start. Right here whre I
stand on the last of the land.
Bur you're still breaking the
heart. Now all I have is rushing
right through my hands. Sailing
over the seas. Down that tide
where fresh and salt combine.
All victories are released. We
who wrestle the years have
traded our fears for a glimpse
of ecstasy in the dark. Turning
ice in the fire but still we're
denied. But you're still
breaking the heart. The skies
turned red without failure. They
held their promise and dread
till the last. You put all of my
youth in my future. You put the
future back into my past. So
shine a light and shine it
brightly now. You know it all
takes it's course. And all the
many ways I've tried so hard to
reach this potent source. On the
day behind time across the
divide. Along the cord came all
light out of dark. Now I stand
amaze in this beautiful pain.
But you're still breaking the

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12:05 pm - Someday I will stop taking the same bait.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Eventually. When the fog of Break-Up has lifted and we finally see possibilities and hope again.

It has been over 8 years now. You think I would be able to see instantly signs of similarity in behaviors to him without reacting like Pavlov's bitch. Obviously a new guy is not going to know about the old guy and how he did me wrong and will just think I am a freak.

Why do we expect them to instantly be able to sort us out? Why do battle on with naieve willfullness, sure that we can battle ghosts and make it all better?

I suppose it is good that I can recognize it for being dumb and irrational.

I can seethe about how he did me wrong but that is a dead end. It is dead and gone.

My name is Jeanette and I have loved.

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