PureNoumena (purenoumena) wrote in exanon,

baby steps...

1. We admitted we were powerless over our ex - that our shared life had become unmanageable

I tried just about everything I thought I could try. Working my ass off. Not working at all. Being patient. Being whiney. Being fussy. Being apathetic. Being eager. Being positive. Being equally negative for the sake of comradery. Staying put when I wanted to move. Moving when I wanted to stay put. Doing all these things and more because i thought it would help. None of it helped. things were the same, no matter where we lived. No matter where we worked. Sometimes things were better, but the core of the matter never changed.... and... in the end, it would have been changing either of our natures to force those changes to commence. I even tried compromising myself to that point of trying to change my nature, my perspective. When I felt as though I was trying to change my own wants to accommodate in an attempt to foster happiness, I felt weak and vulnerable. When even that didn't work, I felt sad and frustrated... and that was when I realized that no matter what I did... it wasn't within my power. I got tired of crying myself to sleep. I got tired of trying so hard and still failing. I prayed for the first time in years, accepted that I had no control over the situation, and decided that I would not force anything, and would follow the path I was supposed to follow, and pass through open doors, instead of trying futilely to kick open the locked barricades. the beginning was the beginning of the end... but this was the end of the end. and that is when the love fell away.

and now... allowing the room in my life for growth and happiness has indeed allowed space for healing and progression... yet... there is always that guilt that looms... because in all of this, the only thing I ever really wanted, was for BOTH of us to be happy... and though 50% of the combination is better than the previous 0%... I wish the decision wasn't so incredibly painful...
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