PureNoumena (purenoumena) wrote in exanon,

baby steps.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We call this return to sanity Break-up.

I lay down in bed and closed my eyes. I had been trying for so many years. I had been fighting for so many years. I had been crying for so many years. I had been hoping for so many years. There were good points and bad points... but this wasn't the relationship I wanted; though I was so very much in love, and so very badly wanted it to be. There were good weeks at the beginning... and I trudged along with a hope... and I told myself... as long as I was still in love, I would wait, and hope. Then I closed my eyes again, and decided that the fate of this relationship was not up to me. I had done every thing I could. I had moved time and time again, swallowed bill after bill and rejection after rejection. The last thing left for the relationship to consume was me, myself. More than a compromise, this was something I couldn't swallow. I realized that the direction of this path was not of my decision, and decided to stop forcing things that could not be forced. You cannot make anybody love you, much less - you cannot make anybody love you in the way you want/need to be loved.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Break-up as we understood Break-up. We must tenderly nuture and explore Break-up in all of its intricacies until it bores even us.

how did I let this go on for so long? was I so blind to the reality? Others saw this coming before I ever did.... before he ever did. Am I a coward? Was I simply too hopeful? Should I have ended things before, simply because I was unhappy - even though I was still in love, and still had the hope that things would improve? Was it wrong to end things when the hope had dissipated, when I saw that there was no more hope, and when I realized that I wanted (and deserved) happiness?

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

During a majority of the relationship, there was The One and Only. Towards the end... rejection after rejection... there appeared the Others. I wanted affection. I wanted attention. I tried everything for the One and Only; patience, lingerie, lots of something, fancy somethings, nothing at all, cleanliness, dirtiness, frustration, anger, tears, tolerance, more patience.... days turned into weeks turned into months, and my kisses were returned with cringes and annoyance... guilt and frustration for both parties. The Others began to appear... "what ifs" and "who ifs..." boys and girls... The Others appeared as Hope dissapeared, and at that time I knew it was over. Everything happened so fast, and things can be so blindsighting. I never cheated on the One and Only... but I did entertain the thought of others... and as soon as those thoughts appeared, I broke it off. Is that wrong? The One and Only told the Audience I cheated on him... though the hurt of the accusation was apologized for via e-mail to me; the claim to the Audience has never been retracted. I'm not the only one taking my own moral inventory... others, despite any potential hypocrisy, have decided to join in the fun. Should I feel bad about what I did? Regardless of right or wrong, I never wanted to hurt another human being, despite any hurt that I endured... so in that respect, I do feel awful... hurting anybody that I love. What is the right point to "break it off?" - the stage when you are in love but things are sour, but you have a hope that they might turn better, or when things are sour, have remained sour, and hope is lost?
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